Alone (Again)
by DobbyRocksSocks
Summary: If he'd been asked before it happened, Remus would have told you that he'd be happy to have Sirius back in his life.


**Disclaimer - I own nothing you recognise.**

 _Written for QL, Round 13_

 _Holyhead Harpies, Beater 2._

 **Mandatory Prompt** \- Ghost - Write about someone who is unable to let go of a grudge or resentment.

 **Optional** \- Feverish / Morose

 **Other Challenges Listed at the Bottom**

 **Word Count** \- 1575

 _Beta'd by Sam, Amber, Lo._

* * *

 **Alone (Again)**

* * *

If someone had asked Remus how he would have felt if Sirius was proclaimed innocent and brought back into his life, he'd have told them that he'd be happy about it.

Had he given it any thought, that would have been how he'd expected to feel.

The reality wasn't quite so simple.

…

"Should I not have come here?" Sirius asked, looking hesitant and unsure in a way that Remus had rarely seen him. It didn't suit him, and if anything, it made Remus even angrier.

"When has what I want ever stopped you doing anything?" he asked, raising his eyebrow as he stood back to let Sirius into his ramshackle home.

Sirius passed him, his face heating almost feverishly. He looked like he wanted to reply harshly but he held himself back. That just annoyed Remus even further, because he wanted Sirius to argue with him.

Remus wanted Sirius to understand just how much he'd hurt Remus when he'd left him all alone.

Following behind Sirius, he stopped in the doorway when he saw Sirius slumped in a worn armchair, his eyes closed and his mouth slack. He'd fallen asleep within mere seconds of sitting down.

He'd been expecting Sirius to be his usual enchanting, charming self, and to see him so comfortable when Remus was anything but was unbelievably frustrating.

Remus fought the urge to lash out at the unfairness of it and stomped to his room instead. He didn't try to keep the noise down, part of him hoping Sirius would wake up and indulge Remus' need to let go of some of his anger.

It didn't work. Sirius slept the night through.

…

Sirius made him tea. Remus glared at the cup angrily while the man in question showered upstairs. Sirius hadn't even been able to meet his eyes when he'd handed the mug over. Remus hated himself a little for taking pleasure from that.

He just… he wanted everything to be okay, but the bubbling resentment inside of him overflowed every time he laid eyes on the man.

Sirius looked… well, he looked like hell. But, but there was still something of his youth there. Still something that Remus remembered as being his.

Remus thought that it would have perhaps been better, if Azkaban had destroyed every part of Sirius that Remus remembered. At least then, Remus might have felt better about a fresh start.

Not that Sirius had asked for one. He hadn't asked for anything.

Perhaps… Perhaps that was the problem.

…

"I… uh. I think I should go. I have people to track down and you…" Sirius trailed off with a shrug. "So, I'm gonna go."

Remus stared at him. Sirius had only been there for three days. Sure, it hadn't been a comfortable three days but… it was only three days.

"Just like that?" he demanded, standing up from his armchair.

Sirius seemed to sag against the wall, as though he was trying to make himself smaller.

"You're just going to leave again, leave me alone, leave me behind while you go off being stupid and reckless?"

"I don't know what you want me to say," Sirius admitted after a long moment. He didn't seem angry. He just seemed sad. And that made Remus angrier. "I thought after the shack… I thought we were okay, but clearly I was wrong."

"Just go, Sirius! Leave me on my own again. It's what you're good at, right?"

Sirius shook his head. "Bye, Moony."

Remus was left alone in the living room, staring at a door that had been pulled softly shut. The house was silent again.

…

"You don't need to be here," Sirius snapped. "I don't need a fucking keeper."

Remus stared at him for a long moment. It had been a while since he'd last seen Sirius, and he knew how much being back at Grimmauld Place must be affecting him. He'd lost weight, more weight, and his face was even more sunken than it had been the night Sirius had walked out of Remus' house.

Remus wanted to reach out to him. He wanted to help him feel better about being back in the house he'd grown up in. He wanted…

"Fine," he muttered coolly, turning away.

The resentment he still harboured from being left behind forced him to leave without a backwards glance.

…

The meeting ended, and Dumbledore gestured for Remus to follow him from the kitchen. Remus couldn't help but feel like an errant schoolboy as he followed the headmaster. It was a throwback to years gone by. Happier years.

He shook the thought away.

"I thought, perhaps, that you could remain here with Sirius for a few weeks. I think he's missing having a house full now that the children have returned to Hogwarts."

"I have things to do, Headmaster," Remus replied, stumbling slightly on the words. "I can't just put my life on hold for him, especially after what he did."

Dumbledore frowned. "What he did? He was innocent, Remus."

"He still went after Peter. He still took himself away from me," Remus whispered. "He still left me alone when he didn't need to."

A wrinkled hand landed on his shoulder. "Grief makes us all do stupid things, Remus. But think about what you've already lost, and ask yourself how much more you wish to add to that over misplaced resentment."

Remus nodded, unable to look up to meet Dumbledore's eyes.

…

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, not even bothering to look at Remus. He was staring into a flickering fire, a bottle of firewhiskey held in the loose fingers of one hand, a cigarette burning down in the other.

"Thought you might like some company."

Sirius turned slowly. "No. Thank you."

"I had a right to be angry with you," Remus snapped, walking across the room so he was standing in front of Sirius. "You don't get to make me the bad guy here, Sirius!"

"I'm not trying to make you the bad guy. I'm the bad guy. You've made that perfectly clear. You can show yourself out, Lupin."

"Oh, so you don't want me here now? After spending so many meetings staring across the table looking all morose and pitiful, you don't want me here? Merlin, you're so fucking selfish, Sirius!"

"Right. Selfish. That's me."

The flatness in his tone, the dead look in his eyes, all of it spurned Remus on, his resentment pouring out in a mess of words.

"You left me alone! You left me, and you didn't have to leave, Sirius! It wasn't like James and Lily, who were both dead! You chose to go after Peter, and you chose to leave me alone when you could have stayed with me!"

Sirius drank deeply from the bottle.

"Say something!" Remus shouted, his arms raising in the air. "Say something, dammit!"

"What would you have me say?" Sirius asked, his tone dark as he finally, finally, looked up to meet Remus' eyes. "Would you have me apologise for losing control when I lost my best friends? Would you have me apologise for not trusting you, no matter that you were acting weird at the time? Would you have me apologise for being sent to Azkaban, without a trial, for something that I didn't do?"

Remus opened his mouth but Sirius wasn't finished.

"If that's what you want, Remus, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that you got left alone, and I'm sorry that you blame me for that, and I'm sorry that everything bad in your life is my fault."

"I didn't say everything bad is your fault," Remus growled. "I want you to be a man and accept responsibility for what you did!"

Sirius chuckled without humour. "Was twelve years in Azkaban not enough of a punishment, Remus? Would you have me spend the rest of my life repenting a single mistake?"

"I want… I want… I-" Remus cut himself off, frustrated that he couldn't put his desires into words.

Sirius stared at him for a long moment. "When you figure out how I can make all my wrongs up to you, you let me know. Until then, fuck off and let me drown my sorrows in peace."

…

"You can't follow, Sirius," Remus said quickly as he gathered his cloak. "You have to stay here where it's safe."

"Now you care about me being safe?" Sirius scoffed, even as he moved towards the front door. "He's my godson."

"Just… stay here."

...

Remus walked through the abandoned hallways of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place with a heavy heart, burdened with an even heavier cloud of guilt hanging over him.

Would it have been different, if Remus had treated Sirius better? Would Sirius have listened and not gone to the Ministry if Remus had tried harder to rebuild the bridges between them?

Would Sirius still be here, if only Remus had been able to let go of his own misery long enough to see what he was doing to the man who'd once been the most important person in his life?

Remus didn't have the answers to any of those questions. What he did have, what he would always have, was regret that he hadn't let go of on old grudge in time to make a difference.

Maybe if he had let go, he wouldn't be alone again.

Maybe, if he had let go, he wouldn't be facing heartbreak once more.

* * *

 **Also Written for;**

Character Appreciation - 3. Remus Lupin

Disney - C5. Write about heartbreak

Buttons - C1. Sirius Black

Ami's Audio - 2. Someone being wrongly blamed.

Emy's Emporium - 12. Remus Lupin

Fantastic Beasts - 42. Light / 80. Remus Lupin


End file.
